febreze:

these people say they would have sex with me yet im a virgin. cool

robertoluongo:

in grade 8 i did a power point presentation on “whooping cough” and my opening slide was a photo of whoopi goldberg coughing and i was the only person who laughed at it and i couldnt start the presentation for like five minutes because i was laughing too hard at my own joke

croutoncat:

The year is 2070, and famous musician Justin Timberlake has just died. People all over the world start crying, it’s a global catastrophe, but soon something emerges. An entire lake of human tears, spanning all the way across the Americas, has been formed. Justin Timberlake’s dream of someone ‘Crying him a river’ has finally been fulfilled, he can now rest in peace.

 year is 2392
child:  mommy i can't sleep
mother:  don't worry child. lay down as i sing you this ancient lullaby, passed on through my family for generations
mother:  RACK CITY BITCH RACK RACK CITY BITCH

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